Saturday, June 16, 2007
it wasnt my fault. 11:51 PM
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
it wasnt my fault. 11:14 PM
it wasnt my fault. 12:24 AM
From yesterday till tiz morning...wen i calling hui jun... haizz.... i cried... my eyes in red...n swollen...soo badly...i tried calling her...from yesterday... but i cant reach her... morning i tried...i only get once...but edn...she didnt pick up... i told myself... wher did she had gone... how cud i get her... i m soo worried... that i dunno wad else i cud do... at that tym... i tot of slashing my arm... i dunno y i got that idea of doin soo... but i didnt...coz... now she is angry wid mie... and if i did so... i would be worst...in my own r0om..i called her for the last tym...finally i could get her....but end up.. hui jun picking up the phone...haizz... my heart sank...i tot it was her...but no it isnt...i ask hui jun wher she... n from wad i heard...hui jun said that she is goin 2 her grandma haus or sumting...and wont mie taking her hp for quite sum day... hearing that...is soo much pain...that..my tears is drpping badly...my head just go empty...dunno what to do next...and hui jun told mie y i crying...coz she knew how the condition of me n her....she told mie to tell the story to her...soo i did.... i really express out all my feelings to her...which i had been keeping inside my heart frm last tym... jealousy is what i hate the most... which i couldnt take it...haizz... i told her...wad had happen all... while telling her all that... i could realli feel that my heart is in pain...deadful pain...den we hang up for a while... coz hui jun the father dunno wad ler...den later she will ask mie 2 call her back... while waiting... i think through...from the day i m wid her... thinking... how much damage i had done to her heart...and the suffering which i cause to her... i cant imagine...how bad i was... thinking through... because of mie.... her relationship btw her n MC lyk getting further and further... i was realli at fault... i still cud remember the first tym...wen lay theng... did decided 2 break up wif mie... bcause of sumthing....i cudnt remember... haizz.... she kept that away from mie.... until i found out...from my fwens... that is wen...i change alot after hearing that she would break up wif mie... to tell u the truth... once u say about breaking... i cant even imagine...how my life would be after that...haizz....den hui jun ask mie to called her...den i called.... but den.... i heard that lay theng was ther behind... i was lyk wad...coz just now she say that lay theng is nt ther...but now she is...haizz... den we talk3.... den wen lay theng spoke to mie... theres only 1 thing den come through my mind... and that is... about break up... the question she asked...do realli asking mie indirectly... how abt u guyz who reading my blog try guyz wad does tiz means... DO U N HER FEELS LIKE IT IS HARD 2 GET ALONG? do all of u understand tiz phrase? haizz... h0pe u guyz do....haizz... the day b4... i chat wif my fwens...lyk fariq winnie pek n yanzhi...haizz.... theres just one thing that broke my heartz... PEK do u still remmeber what u say...in msn...i told u that i m scared of her asking for break.... but wat happens now? u told mie she wont do that kind of stuff... but...i misjudge her... haizz... i jsut dunno what to do wid myself... i m just plain nutink...at nite...i did broke up wif her...i really cant control myself... i tot...she had promise mie nt to leave mie...but end up..she did.... haizz... i tot...promises is nt meant to be broken... is this what promises is? maybe...she broke up wif mie..coz she thinks that its betta of w/o mie... i didnt reject it...coz...for mie...i do respect her...i think...what decision she made... is for the best of us....if breaking up wif mie...would made u much more happier than suffering...i would do that...haizz..after breaking up for ard 30mins?or less.... they called to ask mie to call them back... fariq told mie that u realli regret of breaking up wid mie... n i regretted of nt caring for u well enuff...i talk 2 them...for ard 20mins...den i m back wif her again...den...i hang up...u said u wanna break....den u wanna patch back.... my mind is very confuse do u know... it makes me feel that ure just playing wid my feelings....from the tym i m wid u... i had never even tot of breaking up wif u... y couldnt u do the same a i do...share the same feeling lyk i do to u... theres a friend of mine... which is ur fwen too... i swear i wont tell who the person is... he told mie from the beginning...b4 we stead.... he told mie... harris do u realli wan to have the relationship wid her... i said yes y?den he replied saying that... he thinks that...what u did to yz...is going to be the same way as u did to mie...but i say... nvr judge the b0ok wif its cover... coz...any1 could change... i said...i wont believe...until i do experience it by myself... dear2...can u recall the day u told mie... u wont do the same way u did to yz... but now...haizz....i m sick of making promises...or evn hearing the promises u said 2 mie...coz...all of it...is goin to waste....to tell the truth...now...i dont really think that our relationship could even last for 1 month after tiz breaking thingy... i realli thinks tiz way.... i had always trusted u...but end...i m screwed....u broke up wid mie... my love for u is pure from the start... u gif u all my love....all my care...my worries...my tears.... my concern... i tot... i tot 2 myself... telling myself that...EVEN THOUGH SHE IS NT MY FIRST ....SHE STILL CUD BE MY LAST.... haizz... maybe my dream abt tiz...will nvr came through...from my experience... if true love are meant to be.. no matter what the cost... other party would always give as many chances not onli 1 chance... the more chances they gave 2 each other... that means that both party do wan to be together...both party love each other... that is what i think true love is all about... i just t0ok 1 wrong move...and thats the end of us...being together... all the mistakes u had done... i nvr been soo angry b4... sumtimes...even i m angry...i wont rise my voice to u... i myself would give in... i wont blame u if u made a mistake... cause...in the world... no1 is perfect...i dont realli mind u making mie sad or angry wif mie...but all i wan is u learning from the msitake u had done... soo that our relationship would go far... from the start...i tot...tiz relationship would last long... and i hoping that it would at least last for abt a year... but after the breaking thingy... i didnt have the confidence... it is 50/50 haizz.... for who ever i m wid...i also make the best out of it... w/o l0oking back... i would go through thin n thick... haizz.... i dunno know whther u would understand tiz... all i cud do now...is h0ping for the best...the reason that i wanna be wid u is because....firstly...i do realli love u... i do c some1 special in uu.... but most inportantly... i wanna to c u happy wif mie...coz... for wad i heard...n my thoughts... and other ppl thinking....shawn treated u very haizz...i don wan to say ler... and i was thinking that....wen ure wid mie...u cud be happi just lyk u are wid him... COZ I HATE HIM...SCOLDING U BUSTARD....I HATE THAT.... my aim was just to make u happy n knowingly that we could go far....haizz...i dunno what else to say...maybe tiz is jsut it... gtg now...bubbye....
MaoMao ("v")who ii realli deserve JUST A CHANCE???
maybe tiz is the right tym for mie to be posting a blog.... well...its 12.20am nw....i coudnt sleep...maybe i would stayed up the whole night... because...i m thinking of u.... erm... lets now from the day at chalet on 3/6/07... now..the story begins... ard 1+pm mie ,dear2 n pek reach the downtowneast....waiting for them... den slowly...each of them showed their faces...den wen we gathered... we gotta a news that we could onli book it into the chalet only at 3pm..we all was lyk wad...coz we reach too early...and got 2hrs...nthg 2 do.... haizz...mie fariq yz brandon dear n pek is tgether...after being seperated by them and s0on...dear2 n pek go burger king go eat... soo left mie yz fariq n brandon...we walk2...nthg 2 do lorh...den they all go smoke...then we go the chalet the place ther...wait 2 b0ok it...den i was soo lyk bored ler...coz mie fariq n brandon were inside the building listening 2 my mp3...while the rest all outside talking ler...sum0re i dun really know them well ...worst more... me malay...they chinese...very different... soo we lyk felt left out lorhx...soo we do our own stuff inside lorh...talk among the 3 of us... we were soo boring....
den...the girls came...i tot...she was gona talk 2 mie or sumthink...but end up nvr...maybe she was wif her fwens den i dun wan disturb lorh..den...they put their things wid us...den went outside wif the rest of the guyz...and again left 3 of us inside...den i just kept quiet lorh...i dun wan tok much...den...wen every1 wen inside...i waited for her 2 approach mie...coz she wid her friends...later they all say wad mahx...den i waited quietly ...den...wad made mie jealous is that...i saw pek trying 2 spend tym wif fariq...although i felt jealous...but i also do feel happi for them...but den...dear2 didnt tok 2 mie...i was quite sad at the point of tym...den i wait3...den i saw her...talking wid other ppl as in guyz...but nt mie... i dont mind she talking wif other guyz...i nvr scold her for talking wid guyz...but wad made mie sad is that...she didnt talk 2 mie yet talk 2 other guyz...thats wad hurt mie the most dear...i was sitting on the banch...i felt pain in my heart but kept quiet...asking myself...m i just an extra here or i was just invisable for her to see that i was waiting for her...
i waited 4 quite sumtimes den...i told brandon that i wan 2 walk2...coz she didnt talk 2 mie...or either the others...soo we just walk off lorh...while walking wid brandon...i told hym the story... and yet...he did told mie...that he do notice...is hard 4 mie to accept that u could talk wid other guyz...but not mie...y dear...do u how that i realli felt sad...i left that thers nthg i cud do ther...the onli reason that i came to the chalet is because of u...onli u...coz i know that if i go to the chalet...i wont hv much fwens ther...maybe juz afew... and i was h0ping u would be ther to keep mie accompany...soo that i wont be alone...but it didnt came...u did ur own things...while i did my own things...soo i and brandon wen 2 walk...that we go buy cracker and eat...then...saw yz...then we went back to the chalet...at the entrance ther...she was ther sitting alone while fariq n pek2 quarell...den fariq n brandon go talk2 wif lay theng...in chinese and in english...most of it is in chinese...i dun realli understand what they were talking abt...soo i t0ok my mp3 from fariq...and listen for myself...i tot...she would know that how much i need here that tym...but she didnt know it...we told yz to go to the chalet..and yz told us... i was lyk...haizz...maybe because she dont know that i was sad...because...i would put up a happy face...nt letting her c mie sad...i actually wanna cry that tym..coz she didnt talk 2 mie...den..haizz...i was sad...
then wen we reach the chalet...i put down my things and wen to the corridor outside sit...wif fariq yz n brandon...while the rest inside playing poker cards together wif money...i tot of playing money wid them...bt i dun wan...coz dear once told that..u play2 wad if u lose ur money...soo i decided nt 2 play...den...after sumtime...we went in...i c them play...den...i saw lay theng goin to the corridor outside alone... soo i decided to talk 2 her...rather den waiting for mie...wen...i talk 2 her...she was lyk no m0od for mie at all...i dunno y... talk 2 her awhile less den 5mins i think...den we l0ok at fariq n pek...soo jealous that they could be soo happy 2gether...while i n her lyk very diff...haizz..den...from den onwards..we didnt talk 2 mie...
i saw u talk wif other guyz...from afar...i saw u smile u laugh wif them...but y cudnt u do the same to mie...den i told myself...that they r u friends...its okiez..that was just wad i say...but my heart was diff... wen i l0ok at u...haiz...i told myself...its g0od that she did hv fun smiling the way wid other ppl...rather den talking 2 mie...and being nt happi at all...soo i let her be...wait till she went to talk 2 mie...but it nvr came...i was sad...very sad...u even go to the toilet...burst to tears...i was thinking...wad i did wrong to u...until u didnt even l0ok up to mie...dear...why...wen i nid u so much...i just didnt bothered abt mie at all..but having fun wif other guyz...that was nt expect from u dear...i realli tot that u would spend tym wif mie...but u didnt...i felt soo lonely ...
during the barbequeing...at the pit...i saw u talk u other guyz...but i was ther infront of u...u didnt even say aword 2 mie...haizz...i heard u say sumthink to a guyz...i was soo ...haizz...dunno how 2 say...i say to that person...u are sweating..u wan tissue i take for u... its kind of u 2 say that...but how abt mie...did u do the same? to be honest...at that tym...i dont even think that we are stead...at tym...i tot we were just friends...coz u treated other guyz better making mie feel that u care for them...nt mie... i really sorrie to say this...but its is wad i felt... wen i heard u say that to HYM...i stop helping them to bbq...and i proceed into the chalet...and i wen into the r0om...
then i n brandon again we two...went out 2 buy water...and also because he wants to buy f0-od for himself...soo i followed hym...then he say...harris y ur attitude lyk change..lyk no m0od lyk that...y u didnt talk to lay theng... without mie explaining the reasons to him...he had already answered for himself...coz he notice wat is goin on btw us...but i did told hym the story though...den say that he really felt sad for mie...he told me that...after we brought the stuffs...wen we reach hack to the chalet...he ask mie to talk 2 u... i told him..c first... but in my heart...i told myself that i got no gutz...no courage... and also...i dunno how 2 put my face ...
wen we reach the chalet...i went to the corridor...alone...wid a bottle of water...alone...ther sitting...thinkin abt u...y are u lyk tiz to mie...y m i nt appreciated...all i could do...is to blamed myself...maybe i did sumtink wrong that makes u nt 2 talk 2 mie...soo i sat on the railing...den seeling and jia hui...wen out to the corridor...say...hey harris...y u here alone?? i say coz i got nuthink to do...den they even say... u n lay theng y seii nvr talk...i told dem..i dunno y... den we talk2 abit...haizz...among them..onli tiz 2 accompany mie that tym...den..they went to the living r0om...soo ther again...i was alone...den sat at 1 corner behind the d0or...den...yz n brandon saw mie...they told mie the same question lyk the rest... y u didnt talk 2 lay theng...den i got nutink 2 say...den outside ther..wid mie..got fariq yz brandon n MAX the friend...i forget the name...den i told brandon to tell yz the story...den...while they was talking..i burst 2 tears...w/o no1 knowing...i realli felt nthg...felt lyk i dont belong ther...den..i quickly t0ok my things..packed and t0ok off... from the min i walk away from the chalet...i burst 2 tears... u would l0ok at mie lyk as if i was happi...but u will nvr know how i felt inside... coz...no1 will understand how i feel... now posting the blog...from the firstword till nw...i cried...did u even felt how i felt nw?
sumtimes i think through...wen the things i did do wrong...u would be angry wif mie...or lyk ignored mie...i just dunno wad u r thinking and i dunno wad u want... thats make mie confuse... lets now say abt my soccer camp suffering.... well...at night... i tried calling u from 11+pm to 5.35am... just to get in touch wif u...but...i couldnt...i tried and tried and tried but couldnt get u... y did msut put mie into a position which i hated the most...i even tried alone...telling mie...wad i gona do...she wont pick up my call...or even return mie a msg... my brain was soo empty...that i get soo sacred...at the hall...during night tym..they allw ent to sleep early then mie...den i go to a spot... sitting down ...feeling scared...n worried... and scare that u would be the different image of mie... i felt soo stupid...and i meant it...i was shivering lyk nobody bussiness.. and was sweating lyk a pig...just thinking abt it...although...i really suffered...i dont mind suffering even worst then tiz...just to get to be wif u 4eva...i realli love u... sumtimes... i was very sad... i didnt things w/o thinking...
i know u read fariq the msges...i do know u cried soo badly... i hurt u the most was...that... I BROKE THE PROMISE .... i did it w/o thinking... coz i was soo scared...sad...confused... u know wad...i even tot of killing myself...haizz.....haizz...u even drink the beer....i do know that... i felt sad tat u drink....and i wont scold u...
i got no heart to scold u anymore...i had made u suffered much more than any1 else in the world...i m the bad guyz here....i will forever be the MR BAD GUY i m nt a mr nice guyz... coz...i hurt many ppl...maybe now i got to feel how hurt it is...maybe tis is wad i get for hurting many ppl...especially u dear... if u ever think of making a move of B**** i wont stop u...coz its ur life...i cant stop u from anything... i nt ure parents...i m just harris... who always pretended to be g0od...but deep inside my heartz...i was an evil person...who crashed the heart of many ppl...that is who i m... for all i know... i m EVIL... maybe i cant be change to a betta person...
i cant go on anymore posting of the blog...u left deeply sad...i m really HEART BROKEN... if i t0ok have a video to record mie...i would do so... i just wan u 2 c...how bad i cried...tiz is to show how much i love u dear.... although u had hurt to deeply inside... h0pe u would understand mie...i didnt do stupid stuff out of no reason.. for every action...i must punished myself...i really must ....coz... i m EVIL....evil person are meant to be punished badly cruelly....lay theng... i beg u from the bottom of my heartz...pls... punished mie badly...for all i care...i need to suffer wen worst den u do.. u are just a wonderful gal 2 hv around...but dont let ure mind play tricks on u...bcause once ur mind play tricks on u... i will be deeply hurtz.... if u talk 2 mie druing the chalet....things wont nvr be tiz place... i wont pushing the blame to u... coz....i the person whos started it first...i was the 1 to be blamed...
now...all i seek was a forgiveness from u...i bad person...the chances i get from u...lies in ur hand...if i m nt deserveed to be giving the chance nomore...jsut pls...say 2 mie str8 away...coz thers no point of u lying 2 ureself...coz u wont get anything out of it... sorri... yet now 1.30am...i still here...i still crying badly...from just now....dear...i h0pe u do understand mie...although...it have been just 3 months...i didnt enjoy the time i had wif u... i love u.... if u dont accept my appology...just say 2 mie...that u dont...
MaoMao ("v")bad guyz are always bad...i m the bad guy